ever

Ever felt like maybe all the happiness you have is just a dream?

Sometimes, you just doubt life itself, you doubt your mind.

I’m always afraid that it’s all nothing but a dream.

Ever felt afraid of losing something, or living a lie?

We’re not so different after all.

Menopause

Dear sir,

I would like to report to you about your wife’s unseemly behaviour and plead to you to try and fix this ongoing problem before I try to do it. Knowing that your wife will only listen to ‘adults’, young people like me who disagree with her views, actions, attitude and screamings are highly unsuccessful in trying to talk things through. Inaction by your part may lead to drastic results.

Your wife, one shall add, screams on a daily basis. It is annoying, especially when she does it once every four hours, with each session lasting up to forty minutes, when her children are home, and at all times when the children she is meant to babysit are within her presence.

Your wife also believes in manners, or the lack of it. As of current, she screams at people for long stretches due to the fact that she is ‘doing all the work’. She believes that because she is ‘doing all the work’, she has the right to scream, slam doors and gates, break things and throw a variety of items at people. From an outsider’s viewpoint, this belief of hers is immensely amusing, like of a prime minister owning the right to take bribes, destroy homes of others and kill people because he is ‘doing all the work’. Also this technique rarely gains approval from anyone except people who believe older people are more superior in all aspects, including opinion and judgement. That category does not apply to everyone in the household, including the occasional babysitted children (albeit them being only three and four), except your wife herself.

Also, your wife’s mannerisims have taken to a drastic drop. Her attitude of current befits every personality trait she dislikes. Lack of respect, lack of consideration, large amount of screaming, temper tantrums, rudeness, cowardice, hypocrisy, obsession with looks, lack of control in spending, and using other people for favors. While one can ask why I, on behalf of being so close and being very observant over the little misdemenaours whilst she is the one ‘doing all the work’, have failed to bring this issue to her, I shall tell you that I have tried to tell her not to ‘do unto others what will cause pain when done to you’, and ‘consider before you speak’ and ‘other people have feelings as well’ and ‘if you don’t like it so much, why are you doing the same to other people?’ (which is really just the first quote, twisted to a more easily understood manner.) All have successfully fallen on deaf ears or half-hearted agreeing, followed by another bout of screaming.

Excuses for her part is always heard. Things like ’she’s having menopause’ or ’she’s your mother’ or ‘because she’s angry’ is often unaccepted. If they are, then the essence of humanity is a great farce. One can do many things when one is angry, and usually, the many things done does not help at all, if it does not make matters worse, such as this pseudo-letter blog post. When read by certain parties, will result to many colourful issues such as the ever-exciting blame game, the ever-thrilling cycles of playing victim, the ever-suspenseful ‘whose side are you on?’ question and the ever-annoying emotionless retorts of a bad-daughter-who-whined-about-her-mommy’s-problem, which ironically enough, no one understands because no one wants to.

Remember the time I left home? I wanted the screaming to stop.

Remember the annoying long bout of crying because you were arguing with me and yelling at your wife? I wanted the screaming to stop.

It is the reason why the first thing I do upon independence from apron strings will be finding my own place to live. I know I cannot stop the screaming. I know my place. My place just isn’t home.

The sincerely ungrateful snot-nosed brat of a daughter,

me.

—————————————————————-

The screaming’s been going on for three months. The rudeness just started last week I think.

Sure she’s my biological parent, she’s doing this because her mother-in-law was mean to her. So does that mean I can do it to my child or any younger human that comes along in my life? “Of course not,” you will say. Then why is she ‘correct’. Is the title ‘mother’ so awe-inspiring and superior that we must simply take whatever that is thrown at us? Is that why we all abuse titles and treat others lower than us badly?

I don’t want to hear ’she gave birth to you la’ ’she took care of you’ ’she raised you’ ’she gave you life’ and ’she’s your mom’ anymore. Can anyone give me a better answer than ‘contributor to your genetic makeup and your body’ or something based on ‘morals’, tradition and ‘filial piety’?

I can’t take things unquestioningly.

[broods]

Ambivalent

Excitement, you say?

Free from the grasp of a torrid cycle called education, force fed information and told to regurgitate what that was swallowed. Free from the endless demands of paper slips, containing, names, names of subjects and a row of ideograms depicting the first letter in the alphabet.

Free from a tedious rule system, overstuffed, self-contained megalomaniacs and pointless activities.

Were we really bound to them originally?

We are free. Free to think, free to choose. Some choose to believe that we are controlled. Some choose to follow what others say, anchoring themselves with fear. Fearing to defy, to disappoint, to deviate.

We are free, but time still moves, regardless of what we think.

Now, the world consider(s) [sic?] us as adults.

No longer considered cheerful or carefree, but childish and irresponsible. Shoved into and idle chase for materials, for fame, for a ‘greater’ purpose in life, for fulfillment, for approval. Leaving so many things behind. Innocence, sliding down playground slides, waves, lost cats that are not mangy or dirty, but just slightly unwashed and the ability to receive smiles as smiles without once doubting or suspecting the sincerity of others. Sports are suddenly competitions and no longer games for fun. The urge to feel superior grows and grows.

Growing up makes you forget what life is about.

They say “You do not know the world. Life is full of hardship. You must fight in order to survive. Win in order to gain approval,”

Why? Why must we win? Why must we try so hard to free ourselves from hardship by creating more hardships? Are children so undeserving of the right to live, they must be moulded into machines for little stacks of papers with numbers? Do we live in order to live or to earn approval from your god, money? (Of course there is a God. Humans invented the idea of it, afterall. They just simply replaced it with something more tangible.)

Humans are greedy little things afterall.

And yet, what we desire ends up as a farce. Materials, beauty, admiration…we want these to fill the voids in our hearts to replace what we lost. Yet the void just gets emptier and emptier.

Must children keep reminding adults on how to live?

I might not know the world, aged one, but you think you know it. Hypocrisy is much worse than ignorance.

Am I happy?

I feel ambivalent.

—-

Oh, do bother looking up the phrase “angry young man”.

So many [sic]s to put.

I have a confession to make

“Let’s face it..” is something you might most likely say. But I refrain from saying that, because ‘let’s face it’seems more like an order than a suggestion, forcing one to swallow whatever you feed them.

So let’s not turn our backs to it, do whatever you wish with this, doubtless you might never read this, either out of spite or out of sheer ignorance.

I don’t know what kept us apart. We’re not really friends, or maybe we are, but I don’t really know. This whole reliance and trust thing was never exactly my forte. I don’t know why people trust me. I don’t know why people talk to me and tell me things. I can’t ease anyone’s burden. I can’t provide magical solutions. I am, after all, not much of a help. Too weird, too carefree, too emotional or too tactless. Either one of them is something you might say. Maybe I take things too seriously, but it could be possible that you take things too lightly.

We tried. I know. We tried building bridges, crossing them. Yet every time. Every single time when we manage to close the gap between us, we cut our own rope.

You do, as I told you many times before, annoy me. Very much so. Because I am too dramatic or too touchy, or you’re too tactless and insecure, but refusing to admit it.

Yet why do we simply refuse to talk to each other? The urge is there, but when we think of trying, we keep misintepreting each other. An open door as a shove in the face. A sincere attempt as a feeble excuse.

Was it the fact that we both went too far?

Now hear this.

I have a confession to make.

We can chat but we simply cannot talk. You may say that we are talking about nothing, but when we do talk about something, it never fails to go awry. Menial things, like stupid animes or serious things like your severely negative attitude towards your life. Either way, I’ll still get irritated.

But I will always remain patient. It’s not because you need my help, but I need your help as well. I need to be more empathic.

Ever wondered why empathic sounds like pathetic?

Even if things might never go well again. We will never talk again or all the other super dramatic nonsense. You must remember.

The real part of my confession is this.

You do have a charming smile.

So stop moping already.

—————–

There was a person driving to school behind me who had a smile like you.

I just remembered.

So:

“Smile~! ^^..”  -TTN

What? I don’t know what else to say. XD

Me against..some things.

Crumpling my certificate came to me when I was flipping through my certificate of achievements and etc while filling up my testimonial sheet.

I really did…rosakkan my Form 5 cert.

But it’s pink so who cares.

And flipping through my cert made me notice some things.

#1
I’ve been a prefect ever since form 1 to form 5. (I never wore normal pinafores more than 3 days during the beginning of every year in school) Which means that I’ve been wearing long-sleeve shirts since…well, since secondary school.

It’s the reason why I’m wearing a baju kurung. Short sleeves are just so weird for me as school uniform.

#2
I never got my co-curricular marks as the president of the computer club, only 3 for ahli biasa.

That sucks. I knew I never got my marks for that after mimi complained, but really looking at it. I had 7 marks eaten away from me thanks to the lousy co-curricular admin in my old school.

#3
I’m better at language than at anything else.

#4
I can’t seem to find my National Service certificate. =D

Now results…

I really don’t favour the system of education.

I can’t choose what subjects I want to take. (I’d take Physics, Chemistry, Biology, General Studies and Literature if I could. [though I doubt my ability to handle it]) And my future is really actually determined by how well I do in exams, not how well I do in school, or life, or as a human being.

Sure there are some subjects that teach you a bit about life but seriously. Nothing really prepares us to be independent, teach us how to lead, (save holding special imperious posts, like being a prefect or stuff like that) teach us manners or creative thinking and other things.

No physical education in form 6 kinda sucks as well.

It’d be nice to play some crazy games with my classmates, get whooped by the volleyball, falling down and then hobbling to the sick bay looking for those antiseptic solutions that really sting when you wipe them on your wounds.

Those are good times.

What the heck is with answer schemes anyway? For subjective questions, yes but…essays? Essay points should be marked based on whether the point is logical, suitable and supported by other facts or explanations.

But nooooo, to make jobs easier, to make Malaysian students have more linear thinking, to make sure they don’t provide revolutionary ideas, our essays are marked by answer schemes. Your point, no matter how sound, if it’s not in the scheme, it’s wrong.

tadaa.

I get lousy marks for essays, just so you know.

._.

I’m not a good student.

But I don’t think out education system is better than me either

[scoffs]

I’ve been blog-dead for some while…

Facebook dead as well.

And also neglecting my duties for another blog.
Animated Psycho Gigis

Don’t ask.

books, books

Strange how my choice of reading changes somewhat dramatically. Gone were the days I found R.L. Stine, Christopher Pike and J.K. Rowling intriguing.

Okay, so I lied. I never really liked Harry Potter. Curiosity leads you to do silly things. Like complete your Harry Potter collection because you bought the second and third book on a two for one deal, the first book because the second and third book made no sense, and the rest your parents just simply insist that you must get it.

No, not after yawning at David Edding’s ’shounen’ style plotting. Christopher Pike now seems so…boring. (I apologize to the fans. His style of writing seems so…simple now.

Books that might have changed my choice of literature?
Mommy’s Day by Max Allan Collins. The book that spawned my taste for gruesome stuff and sarcasm.
Lord of The Flies by William Golding. It just did(change). I was somewhat weird before I read the book. Weirder after I read it.
Oscar Wilde’s works. His wit is engaging. I tell you. =3 Hence I have no regrets  for taking up Literature in English.
Everything is Illuminated/ Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Melodramatic in its way. Can’t really explain what it does to people. One should read it to find out. Though I suggest the second book.

These books. =_=
Well. In truth. Many many things change people. Time, life, neighbours with karaoke sets but really good baking skills (blueberry cheese tarts O_O)

We change everyday.

Don’t you?

Unless if you wear the same set of clothes for a few days, then maybe you don’t change everyday.

XD

But I’m still trying to find a way to get a psp and a graphic tablet. Geez. But to choose between two of them…
Zack Fair or drawing?

[ponders]

Sorry Zack. ;_;

Some things just never change.

Reasons why I need a PSP

#1 Crisis Core
#2 Patapon
#3 patapatapatapon
#4 chakachakapatapon
#5 [gets hit by random flying object thrown by annoyed reader]
#6 gaming needs
#7 isn’t six reasons good enough?

patapon is addictive. do not go to site if you’re not willing to risk your sanity for it.

by loveloatherepeat

happy abandon

words leave you faster than you can say them.

though sometimes they just won’t come back.

we sit

my legs swinging beneath me

and we spin a yarn of things without meaning
it grows longer

and it doesn’t help

one felt the comfort of being freed from guilt.
being forgiven

I, however. beg to differ.

it’s not about what we say
or how much we say it

it’s about what we do

I cant help being muted